continuing

well, i kept to my diet restrictions today. toast, oatmeal for breakfast. chicken and raw vegetable salad for lunch. rice and seaweed for snack, and fruit for dinner. went to yoga as well. very challenging, but very rewarding as well. i only got talked to once about poses, so i must have been doing some of the rest of them well. and i was able to do a plow pose, and then move up into a shoulder stand, and then move down and put my knees on the floor on each side of my ears. i was aghast that i was able to do that . my symptoms are flaring up on me so it's difficult to see and write, and difficult to speak. i don't think anyone else notices it, but it's very hard to form words for me anymore. and the numbness and tingling in my left arm is worse again. very difficult.

i guess i should get some sleep. taj's best friend is here for five days, and they are having a very good time. i hate to interrupt it because things are so difficult for me. wonder how i can stay out of the way?

my left side of my face feels fallen, like it has experienced too much sorrow and now has no way to recover itself.

trying again

today was the first day of my entire vacation wherein i was alone, just alone. i went through lots of old cds and then discovered a binder that had a short story i'd written. it was very good.. needs work, needs lots of work to be really good, but it was a powerful story in its rawness. i remember getting the idea from a tiny snippet of information in the newspaper and thinking myself talented for coming up with the idea in the first place. i miss those days. what happened to me? where did i go?
today i bought batteries and set up my palm pilot, and set up alarms to remind me about yoga, eating, vitamins, and the like. we'll see how it goes. i ate carbs for breakfast, protein and veggies for lunch, and had rice and seaweed for a snack (yuk, let me just tell you now). in a few minutes i have to go get iain and then go get taj and then get them home so i can go back to boulder to do yoga, and then to susan's house to do costuming. where did i lose my creativity? maybe that doctor was right, maybe i do need to be doing more.

at any rate, i'm doing the best that i can. iain didn't want to go to school today either, but i think he's just trying out the idea of not liking something. he'll get used to it. i dont' care if he succeeds or if he fails, and if i was more self-sufficient i probably would just teach him from home and not send him to school at all. just don't have that in hand yet to do. maybe one day.

found some old photographs of me, didn't realize how many years it has been since i've been really vibrant, really creative, really a part of the art world. i think i'd like to recover that somehow.

january 2 2007

this has been rather a difficult day of sorts. dave goff wrote to me, asking if i'd like to have some of the dark orchid cds that he found when he was doing some inventory updating. he also asked how we were all doing. dave is a good friend to me, and one that has my utmost respect, so when asked i will not lie. however, talking about my physical being and the slippage therein really made me realize that for the last month or so at least i've been keeping as busy as can be, in effect running from just sitting and being with the knowledge that i may never see things like i used to again, that i may never have a day again in my life where i don't have pins and needles running down my left arm into my fingers and a feeling of novocain wearing off the left side of my face. it is easy to run in today's world; i have run to special diets, taking vitamins all day long, being focused completely on body and health and improvement, on top of trying to be there and perfect for iain and for taj. yet, i have not just sat with myself and felt how i feel, cried, mourned, grieved. i have not allowed myself to fall from grace on this. i really must. if i am to change i must first embrace fully where i am right now, in all of its pain and suffering. it's good to be strong but it is definitely not enough to be strong. i must feel love for myself, and compassion. i must go slowly and gently and hold great awareness. it's hard to do. i also smacked my head really hard on a door putting some coats away, and so that's not helping things any. all this being said, i am still optimistic, i just feel like i need the moments to not be okay, and i need to be okay with those moments and not judge myself for not being some sort of superwoman.

january 1 2007

iain was so sleepy this morning, and i was convinced that it was the first day back at his kindergarten. so we got up, quarrelled over breakfast, and got dressed. went to school and nobody was there, so we had the day - one last day- to ourselves. drove to longmont and met nasus, traded in a trex that was very cool but very not worth the money, and iain bought himself lots of ben 10 toys. he is so excited by ben 10 - he can really resonate with the character concept, and likes to pretend that it could be him. we stopped by his old daycare to see his old best friend, joey. it seemed good, but i could tell that things had changed. kids who loved iain were surprised to see him, but not really attached, as though they already knew how to be distant with people rather than feel the pain of their eventual loss. we then got groceries and came home. iain headed out to our open space and i eventually followed him, and we went sledding. it was very fun. then i brought iain back to the house in the sled, and it really wore me down. i was coughing for hours afterward. guess i'm not as healthy as i'd like to be. after a good dinner we curled up downstairs and watched an episode of the avatar, then iain took a bath, i read him a story and we went to sleep.

this morning he was really angry about having to go to school, and refused to eat. he eventually ate a piece of toast. we had to drive around the school for awhile because the snow was too deep to park in, and he got inside the building about fifteen minutes late. he wants me to pick him up again this afternoon early to go sledding. i'm a little nervous because it was such a hard journey there and back, but we'll see what happens. maybe i can just take him over to the rec center hill instead. at least when you get up that hill you're right at the car instead of having to hike 1/4 mile in 14 inches of snowpack and powder.