january 2 2007

this has been rather a difficult day of sorts. dave goff wrote to me, asking if i'd like to have some of the dark orchid cds that he found when he was doing some inventory updating. he also asked how we were all doing. dave is a good friend to me, and one that has my utmost respect, so when asked i will not lie. however, talking about my physical being and the slippage therein really made me realize that for the last month or so at least i've been keeping as busy as can be, in effect running from just sitting and being with the knowledge that i may never see things like i used to again, that i may never have a day again in my life where i don't have pins and needles running down my left arm into my fingers and a feeling of novocain wearing off the left side of my face. it is easy to run in today's world; i have run to special diets, taking vitamins all day long, being focused completely on body and health and improvement, on top of trying to be there and perfect for iain and for taj. yet, i have not just sat with myself and felt how i feel, cried, mourned, grieved. i have not allowed myself to fall from grace on this. i really must. if i am to change i must first embrace fully where i am right now, in all of its pain and suffering. it's good to be strong but it is definitely not enough to be strong. i must feel love for myself, and compassion. i must go slowly and gently and hold great awareness. it's hard to do. i also smacked my head really hard on a door putting some coats away, and so that's not helping things any. all this being said, i am still optimistic, i just feel like i need the moments to not be okay, and i need to be okay with those moments and not judge myself for not being some sort of superwoman.